How to Raise Responsible Kids – Not Just Obedient Ones

Help your kids develop a sense of personal responsibility. 

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Of course, years later I became a parent and learned the truth: kids have minds of their own.

And while technically, yes, parents can coerce their children to be obedient and do just about anything, obedience doesn’t always come with a sense of responsibility.

• Obedient kids do what their parents want them to do, not what they internally feel led to do.
• Responsible kids grow into young adults who take on tasks without being asked and need little supervision, instruction or guidance.

So how can parents raise kids who have a sense of responsibility? And who from there develop independence and demonstrate maturity?

Here’s one thing I know for sure: like with most of parenting, we can’t expect perfection in an instant when it comes to kids demonstrating responsibility. Raising responsible kids takes time. It’s a process that develops slowly over many years and requires guidance, patience, and persistence.

We don’t expect our four-year-old to know he needs to bathe every day. Just like we can’t expect our ten-year-old to perfectly manage their time or always remember to turn in their math homework on Monday.

Kids need coaching and guidance to develop a sense of personal responsibility. Parents can support their kids by creating a culture at home that incrementally increases children’s responsibility as they grow and mature. Being an independent, responsible member of the family becomes the norm, not the exception, and that norm will stay with kids as they head into the world as adults.

You may be thinking: OK, I’m willing to be patient and work at it. But how can I get started? What exactly should I do?

Here are seven ways parents can help raise responsible kids:

Nurture their innate willingness to help

Thankfully, toddlers and preschoolers love responsibility. They love the feeling of being helpers and “grown-up”. The more we can nurture this quality in our young kids the more they will continue to seek out responsibility as they mature.

This means letting your three-year-old “fold the laundry” even if it adds ten minutes to your chore. Or letting your five-year-old wash the windows – streaks and all.

The idea here is to encourage the initiative and responsibility kids take on – and not to worry about the outcome. Mastery of certain tasks will come in time. Patience is key – and encouragement.

Everyone in the family does chores

Assigning chores to everyone in the family, including kids, is an extension of building a culture where kids can demonstrate and practice responsibility.

Once kids are old enough to help maintain the household, even in small ways like feeding the cat or sweeping the floor, sit down as a family and make a list of which chores each member of the family is responsible for and when.

For more information about kids chores including how to motivate kids to do their chores, see my free e-course: Kids Chores: How to Get Started and Keep Going.

Routines are a child’s best friend (and a parent’s)

If you’ve lived most of your life routine-free, parenthood is the time to switch gears and embrace it. Routines provide structure and clues for kids so they know what needs to get done when.

Having a routine – even a somewhat loose one – means more opportunity for kids to independently take on tasks and responsibility. If your child gets into the routine of eating breakfast after waking up, then feeding the cat, and then getting dressed, they will eventually know what to do without you having to tell them (read: less nagging!).

Do your kids need help remembering their routines? Click here to see my routine cards that serve as visual reminders for kids of all ages.

Help kids problem-solve

Life would be so easy if kids already knew how to do everything. But kids are still learning and growing and making mistakes. We can help them learn from their mistakes by getting them involved in solutions:

• “What do you think you could do differently next time to remember to bring your snow pants home from school?”
• “How could you structure your day differently to ensure your vocabulary homework is done on time AND you get to bed at a decent hour?”

Involving kids in coming up with the solution caters to their desire to feel grown-up and mature and sends the message that we feel they’re capable of being responsible (with a little nudge from us). It also encourages them to think for themselves and begin to consider what the best solution is, rather than just taking actions because they’re being obedient to their parents.

Model your own definition of responsibility

There’s really no point in trying to teach kids to be responsible if we aren’t acting responsibly ourselves. Kids learn by modeling behavior – forget “do as I say, not as I do.”

If you want to raise kids who tell the truth, tell the truth to your kids. If you want to raise kids who manage time wisely, manage your own time wisely.

Kids may not always mimic what we do (at least not right away). But research shows that parents modeling appropriate behavior can be far more effective than telling children what to do.

On the other hand, if keeping a room tidy isn’t that important to you, no problem. Just don’t expect more from your kids than you expect from yourself.

Get out of the way

Sometimes parents are their own worst enemy. Instead of having kids clean their own room, we do it for them. And make their lunch, and do their laundry, and we drive to school to hand over forgotten homework.

Helping out other family members every now and then demonstrates our love and support of each other. But the default family rule should be that everyone is responsible for their own chores, responsibilities, and possessions.

Progress over perfection

Your daughter may never clean her bedroom to your standards, and your son might continue to struggle with time management throughout high school and college.

What’s most important is our encouragement and support more than the achieved goal. Letting our kids know that we believe in them while we continue to let them take the reigns of independence in their hands will give them the encouragement to keep improving themselves and demonstrate responsibility.

You may also like:

What to do When Your Children Lie

Why Every Kid Should Talk Back to Their Parents

Raise Kids Who Are Self-Starters and Put an End to Homework Fights

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